In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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