i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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