Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
