My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Randomize
