youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
