a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
if only i could text you this smell
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
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