So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
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