The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
