It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
