Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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