Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
