just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
i am craving dick and cupcakes
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