It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
