my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
His nipple licking is glorious
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