It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
