Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
birth control should be required to get into college
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
