there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Randomize
