Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
