You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
