alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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