there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
