Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
