my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
