She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize