and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
