So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
