what if every blade of grass was a penis?
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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