If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
