Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
