elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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