i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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