I didn't shave. On purpose
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
