saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
