I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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