You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize