you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
