I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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