You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize