I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
We're too hungover to prance.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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