it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Are my feet made of real feet?
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
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