Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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