PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
