I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
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