the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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