new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
