Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
