Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
