Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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