I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
