I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
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