everyone is single if you try hard enough
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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