Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
