i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
