Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
