I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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