Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
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