when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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